Paranormal Activity: Single Ending, No Rewatch

Going into this film I had high hopes. I can’t watch “found footage” in theaters because it makes me motion sick, so I’d never seen this before. I grabbed a sixer of 7-Up, some Townhouse crackers, and my Dramamine and put the disc in a few weeks back. This is a description of the lingering aftertaste of a bad film that made me nauseous, but not for the anticipated reason.

Characters: The principles are a yuppie guy day trader and his fiance. They’re both fairly shallow people. She didn’t opt to share her terrifying past with him and he brings a designer Ouija board into the house much to her obvious distress. Neither is what you’d call deep. The boyfriend has no friends and the girlfriend’s sole pal seems to be a meddler. They ooze a smarmy materialism. They feel more like minor villains or henchmen from an episode of Miami Vice, wholly unlikable as people.

Setting: Yuppie-dude’s home. The interior has the real suburban faux-manse feel to it. Mainly the action happens in the bedroom and the living room. We see some of the attic and a bit of the foyer. It looks and feels very much like the house from the classic Poltergeist.

Theme: Fuck all if I can tell. Don’t put off calling the exorcist, maybe? Communication is the key to a demon-free marriage? Designer Ouija boards are a fire hazard?

Plot: Precious little. I can’t tell what’s going on here other than I’m being presented with a series of spooky vignettes, some real douchebaggery from both parties, and a laundry list of untried remedies. The whole thing limps along begging more questions than it should until it ends (in the version I saw) with the boyfriend hurled back by his demon-possessed girlfriend and a lovely crawl informing me that the police found his body and she was missing.

Plot Holes: Many. Dude doesn’t believe in psychics and exorcists but he’s OK with Ouija boards? These two are engaged to be married and she hasn’t bothered to tell him about her demonic past? The Ouija board bursts into flame on camera and they don’t flip out extensively? Her friend is a total meddler and they’re both OK with that? Why put off calling the exorcist if you believe in it? Why not split up? I mean, “Babe, I love you, but haunted by demons is a deal-breaker for me. Sorry. I packed your stuff.” seems like a perfectly logical conclusion for these two because they are not deep people.

Remedy: This film should have been about 40 minutes shorter. The Ouija board should’ve burst into flame in the middle of the night, spreading quickly throughout the downstairs to trap the sleeping couple and their stupid camera in the upstairs bedroom. As the tape collection was detroyed, the film never would have been made, the audience would’ve been spared the price of the ticket, and everyone would’ve lived happily ever after.

Synopsis: An exercise in jump scares, poor writing, and low budget production. The crowd funding credits were absurd, as well.



4 thoughts on “Paranormal Activity: Single Ending, No Rewatch

  1. Yeah, the found footage model is pretty irritating to me as well. And, you’re right. This film should have been SO much shorter. I was thinking, “OMG, just wrap it up so I can go to bed.” And the ending was SOOO powerful, and by that I mean not at all, what with two people I was never compelled to give a shit about meeting their unhappy fates.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In Michigan, we have Vernors and saltines. I have not lived there in 15 years, but I still ask for ginger ale when my stomach is upset.
    Your breakdown of this movie was better than the movie itself. I also like your alternate ending much better. I knew it wasn’t a very good movie, having seen it when it came out. So I bought some booze and invited my friend over. It wasn’t any better that way.

    Liked by 1 person

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