As the title suggests, I found the movie less than satisfying. Spoilers abound from this point forward, as does the subtitle of the blog itself. Brace for contact.
Seriously, this pasty woman who was married to the Avatar of L. Ron Hubbard or something comes strolling through this big Downton Abbey wannabe place and lets these three unwashed Irish people into her abode. Then she gets all movie-theater serious about cell-phones and the curtains close so these two little ghost children can come floating out and give you the whole God Damned ending right when they do. BOOM! Ghost Children. And Ghost Nanny. And Ghost Gardner. And Ghost Mute. So Ghost Mom.
Then the Former OT VI-Super-Trans-Clear-Post-Operative-Thetan-KSW-Ultra-Fine-Smoothed-Out-on-the-R&B-Tip lady decides she can’t tell the ghost children their daddy’s a ghost and she cries and cries. Then other things happen that are very boring and silly until the former Mrs. Tom Cruise tries to leave and she steps into a fog bank that scares her so she goes back home.
But as soon as all seems at its most melancholic, Best Doctor Who comes walking up dressed like a Doughboy. But he’s acting like the illegitimate child of Robert Smith and Morrissey and he lays about and cries all day long. If he suddenly jumped up and started listening to Sunny Day Real Estate it wouldn’t hurt the plot one way or the other.
So Best Doctor Who gets over the butt hurt long enough to make Living E-Meter Woman get all cold. But when he leaves, she gets all weepy. Seriously, if she could leave that fog you know she’d be at the Hot Topic. Then she fires the Irish people and they scare the children by raking some leaves off some tombstones and the little girl realizes she shouldn’t be so mean to her little brother.
Anyway, little ghost girl talks about her friend who everyone is supposed to think is the ghost but for those two little eerie fuckers giving you the heebie-jeebies as soon as they came out of their tomb in the first 10 minutes. And that’s another thing: The mama wanders around with these keys, locking the kids into rooms to read the Bible. I mean, really–Why should kids have to suffer in Hell forever like that? Damn, lady. Stop it with the Nurse Ratched routine.
Turns out, the mama killed the kids and Best Doctor Who died in World War II and the little ghost boy was actually a little live boy but the living family moved out of the Downton Abbey place and that was that. The Ghost Irish peasants get their jobs back and everyone deals with it. The end.
And if there’s more to the story than that, I can’t find it. This was probably the most predictable, most obvious, least suspenseful horror flick I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Anaconda. Seriously. This film deserves no better treatment than what I’ve given it.